Remembering

Standard

The massacre at Columbine High School was 19 years ago today and listening to the voices of students, it feels like not much has changed.  School shootings are still common and mass violence has become all too familiar.  From students at Parkland to music fans in Las Vegas to churchgoers in Sutherland Springs, questions are being asked about what can be done.

In the 19 years since Columbine, debates have raged about what or who is to blame for gun violence.  We’ve heard it blamed on Marilyn Manson.  We’ve heard it blamed on easy access to guns.   We’ve heard it blamed on violent video games.

We want to remind everyone about a factor in mass violence that is too often forgotten: domestic violence.  In seven out of the eight largest mass homicide events in recent American history, the domestic terrorist had a history of domestic violence or misogyny.

The shooter in Las Vegas was verbally abusive to his partner in public.  The shooter at Pulse in Orlando had a history of domestic battery and strangulation.  The shooter at Sandy Hook believed women were inherently selfish.

If we are ever going to solve our country’s undeniable issue with mass violence and gun violence, we will have to face the fact that we live under the threat of a cult of toxic masculinity.  When men feel entitled to women’s affection and attention, they learn to respond violently when they don’t get it.  Boys are taught that they are owed sex, relationships, and obedience from women.  Boys are taught that they must never, under any circumstances, show or feel any emotion other than anger.  Boys are taught that the best way to respond to any sort of disrespect or rejection is violence. This is a dangerous combination.

Domestic violence must be taken seriously.  Abusers with a history of nonfatal strangulation must be taken seriously.  We need to work, as a society, to build a safer world where our children are allowed to be whole and healthy individuals.  Until then, however, we need to work harder to keep guns out of the hands of abusers and take misogynistic and abusive threats by people with a history of violence seriously.

If you’ve been a victim of violence, help is available.  Give us a call 24/7 at 815.756.5228.

 

Child Abuse Prevention Month

Standard

We’ve been spending a lot of time preparing for April’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but did you know it is also Child Abuse Prevention Month?  Read our article in DeKalb’s Daily Chronicle to learn how we are working with our community partners to prevent child abuse and support child survivors. (LINK TO ARTICLE)

Our Erin’s Law education is a critical component of child abuse prevention.  We are in the schools in our county helping kids learn about body safety, body autonomy, and their rights to safe and healthy relationships.

If you’d like to learn more about our services for children and teens, visit our website (www.safepassagedv.org) or call us at 815.756.5228.

I’m not throwing away my shot

Standard

My partner and I went to see Hamilton last night.  For those of you who aren’t familiar, Hamilton the Musical is the story of Alexander Hamilton, the Founding Father who came to America as an immigrant, fought in the Revolutionary War, and paved the way for the financial success of the new country.  He was also pretty famous for dying in a duel after being shot by Aaron Burr.

I’ve been in love with this show since I first heard the music and seeing it live was an incredible experience. As I listened to the songs I’ve heard a million times before, seeing them coming to life for the first time, some of the lyrics struck me in a whole new way.

In one of the most famous songs, My Shot (link), Hamilton sings about making the most of every opportunity that comes his way, no matter the challenges he faces.  Several moments in the song stuck out to me.  The first, in light of #MeToo, is when Hamilton sings that “This is not a moment, it’s the movement.”  We’ve written about it before, but #MeToo and #TimesUp are not just a glitch or an aberration.  People have been being abused, harassed, and assaulted for thousands of years and brave survivors have been talking about it.  We just haven’t been listening.  This is the moment when we started to seriously listen but it has to be more than that.  It has to be more than the moment when we started paying attention.  It has to be the movement for lasting change.

The next moment that stood out to me was when John Laurens (historically, a close friend of Hamilton) sings that “we’ll never be truly free until those in bondage have the same rights as you and me.” On its own, this is something we as a nation have to learn to face.  We need to reckon and struggle with that issue that our country was founded on ideals that we didn’t extend to people of color.  We have to reckon and face the fact that our country was built on slavery.  Our struggles as a nation to this day are connected with the racist history that pervades every element of our modern institutions.  We can’t ignore that.  And on a more personal level, for the movement to end sexual assault and for the women’s right’s movements, we have to address the fact that our struggle for equality and action was often promoted at the expense of people of color.  White women, particularly, led early action but left their sisters of color behind.  People of color cannot be collateral damage on the path to equality.  We are not free until we are all free.  John Laurens knew this and we have to learn it.

Finally, the villain in the story, Aaron Burr sings that Hamilton and his friends should “lower your voices.  Keep out of trouble and you double your choices.”  He tells them to keep quiet, don’t rock the boat, and go along to get along.  This kind of moderating influence is popular in social change organizations.  We tell people not to upset the status quo.  We encourage changemakers to work within the system as it exists.  We try to reform from within.  That can work.  That can be the right option.  But sometimes it isn’t.  Sometimes we have to be bold.  Sometimes we have to be like Hamilton and be willing to wade into the mess and get dirty fighting for what we know is right.  We can’t patiently wait for men and women to be treated equally.  We can’t just hope that society will stop victim-blaming and shaming survivors of sexual assault.  We can’t ask politely for the gun control reform that will save the lives of thousands of abuse victims who are at higher risk of death due to easy gun access for abusers.  We have to speak out and stand up, even if we speak out and stand up alone.

Hamilton had a difficult life.  He faced overwhelming childhood trauma.  He faced bias and prejudice as an immigrant.  His boldness angered many people in power.  But his strength changed a nation.  My hope is that our agency will have a similar courage and power in speaking out for survivors of domestic and sexual violence and we hope you’ll stand with us until everyone feels truly safe and truly free.

If you need help or support, you can reach us 24/7 at 815.756.5228.

Walk a Mile 2018

Standard

If you’ve noticed that our blog has been quiet for a few weeks, it’s because we’ve been hard at work getting ready for our third annual Walk a Mile event!

We are SO excited for this event.  Not only is it a great way to participate in Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but it’s a fun way to come together as a community that believes we can all do and be better.

If you’ve never heard of Walk a Mile, it’s a mile walk in high heels, helping men especially put themselves in the shoes of sexual assault survivors who are often judged and dismissed for what they were wearing, where they were, and who they were with. Walk a Mile is our chance to say “Yes means Yes and No means No, whatever we wear, wherever we go.”

At our Walk a Mile, we’ll have the walk, but we’ll also have an after party with drinks, awards, prizes, and fun!  Don’t miss out.  April 14, registration begins at 11 am.  Get yourself a commemorative tee and race bag by pre-registering online by March 31!

To register or get more details, visit www.safepassagedv.org/events!   See you there!

Bridges out of Poverty

Standard

I recently attended the Bridges out of Poverty training and it was a great learning experience. The exciting thing was that many of the tools they gave us, we have already implemented in our Residential Program. It is my goal as the Director of Residential Services to identify the unique barriers our clients may face and create a program that best meets the needs of the clients we work with. Domestic violence impacts all socio-economic groups and this includes individuals who come from generational poverty. In addition to the trauma a person experiences due to abuse, a person who is also living in poverty will face even more challenges.

In the training, we discussed the hidden rules of poverty, the differences between situational and generational poverty, and how vital it is as providers to recognize the reality our clients face. If a client does not have access to reliable transportation, healthcare, childcare, or a livable wage job, it is extremely overwhelming to not only leave an unsafe situation, but also then to be able to put all the pieces together in order to start again. Working with clients who come from generational poverty has given me and the Residential staff insight into the strength it takes to face all of these challenges, yet still rise above them. Building honest and caring relationships with our clients, taking the time to really listen to stories and experiences is the foundation for case-management and advocacy in our program.  We know that we cannot see things through our own lens, but through theirs, in order to support our clients fully. The Bridges out of Poverty training teaches so many skills on how to not only understand clients better but how to understand ourselves so that we may be better helpers.

Oppression in all its forms affects each one of us.  Classism and poverty frequently overlap domestic and sexual violence.  It is important to consider all the forms of oppression that may be affecting our clients and work to ensure we are providing intersectional services and intersectional advocacy.  If you’d like more information about our services our how our case management could help you, give us a call at 815.756.5228.

le consentement

Standard

France has recently proposed a new sexual assault law which includes a provision for the country’s first ever minimum age of consent.  Set to go into effect next year, President Macron and other leading French politicians hope to see the law establish the minimum age of sexual consent at 15 years old.  This would mean that any adult caught having sexual contact with a child younger than 15 would be charged with rape, regardless of if the courts were able to prove that violence or threats were involved.

A number of recent court cases involving adult men preying on young girls have prompted the recommended changes.  Adult men have been been acquitted of sexual crimes against children or convicted on lower charges due to the ambiguity in current laws.  Many sexual predators have had their relationships deemed consensual, even with children as young as 11 and 13.  When the courts can’t prove that physical violence or threats were involved, they cannot currently convict an adult of rape.  This planned legal change is obviously long overdue.

We know in cases of child sexual abuse that many abusers do not use threats of violence or physical violence to facilitate abuse.  Many abusers trick their victims.  Many abusers groom their victims into believing that they have a special relationship that allows that abuse.  Many abusers use bribes or gifts.  Some children may not know that what happened to them was abuse.  Some children may believe they are too blame for the abuse because they allowed it to happen or because they didn’t fight back.  Some children will crave that attention and affection, no matter how unhealthy.  None of these things make it a child’s fault when they have been abuse and none of these things make that relationship consensual.

It is important to educate children on their rights, especially their rights to safety and bodily autonomy.  It is also important to have a legal system that can adequately protect and provide justice for these children.  We applaud France in these initial steps and look forward to seeing new laws that protect and promote child safety in every country.

If you’ve been a victim of child sexual abuse or if your child has been affected, there is help and support available.  Call our 24-hour crisis hotline at 815.756.5228 for more information.

If you’d like information about our educational programming for children, contact our Prevention Department at 815.756.5228, x106.

If you’d like to know more about this story, consider listening to the NPR interview from December 18th’s Morning Edition (LINK) or reading the recent article on the BBC (LINK).

Own Your Mistakes

Standard

We all have reasons why we are the way we are:  bad habits we picked up from a roommate, a passive-aggressive attitude we learned from a parent; a coping mechanism we learned from a character on TV.  Maybe we were picked on in school.  Maybe someone said something hurtful to you that just keeps rolling around in your head.  Maybe you had a bad breakup.

There are all sorts of explanations for who we are.  There are reasons behind the good and the bad.  I always say “drive careful” and I can’t let my partner leave the house without saying “I love you” because that’s what my family did growing up.  I like that about me.  I also have a tendency to give up when things don’t come easily to me because I spent a lot of my formative years being afraid of being adequate.  That’s something I don’t like so much.

Speaking with a therapist is a great way to start processing some of these explanations, both the good and the bad.  It can help you come to a deeper understanding of yourself.  It can help you root out the bad and cultivate the good in you.  It is good to reflect on and understand what makes you tick.

The problem comes when we either don’t take the time to reflect on why we act the way we do or when we reflect but let that deeper understanding turn from explanations to excuses.  I may feel empathy for someone who has been hurt, but that doesn’t mean their pain gives them a pass to hurt someone else.  If I’ve experienced pain, I don’t get to lash out at you without consequences.

Too often in our society, when someone (especially a white, male someone) hurts someone, we immediately start to hear excuses for their behavior.  A recently published story about Harvey Weinstein is a great example (LINK).  While I empathize with those who have been bullied, with those who have been afraid they’ll never experience romantic love, with those who had a rough family life, plenty of people experience those issues without going on to exploit and abuse those over whom they have power.  There is a term we have for people who do those things and it is not “tragic victim,” it is “abuser.”

Do I hope we build a world without bullying, a world filled with love and hope and a world where every child is treasured and protected from their earliest childhood?  Absolutely.  But will I excuse the behavior of abusive individuals?  No.  The first step to overcoming abusive behavior is learning to take accountability for your own choices.  I hope Mr. Weinstein is able to do that.

If you’re concerned about your own behavior and choices, we have a Partner Abuse Intervention Program that can help you move from excuses to accountability.  Give us a call at 815.756.5054.