Give DeKalb County

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When I was in college, I had a roommate who would wake up at 3 am to watch tennis.  No watching replays for her.  Who cared if I had a test the next morning?  The match was on in Australia!  The only thing worse in a teeny room than a tennis-obsessed roommate was a teeny room with a tennis-obsessed roommate who also played trumpet.

Now I’m far from perfect and I’m sure she could tell you some horror stories from the days of living with me, but the point is we were both two privileged, nontraumatized strangers who managed to drive each other crazy in communal living.  We had the best opportunities for being able to peacefully coexist and it was a rough year.

Imagine now, that my roommate and I were both fleeing abusive relationships.  She has two children under the age of 5.  She and I have been living with abusive partners and I grew up in an abusive household.  I’ve learned to lie to get what I need to survive and I’ve learned to yell if I want my voice to be heard.  She struggles with a substance use disorder.  Now imagine that we had to share a room in our emergency shelter.  She and I and her two children in a room not much bigger than our freshman dorm.  There’s two bathrooms in the entire building for all 25 of us to share and one communal kitchen.

Imagine trying to heal under those circumstances.  Imagine trying to move on from an abusive past and face your trauma.  Imagine how much easier it might seem to just give up and go back home.  Imagine how difficult it would be to take the time to invest in your own mental health and healing.

For many of our clients, they don’t have to imagine.  This is our reality.  Our shelter, while it provides incredibly important and necessary emergency care, is still set up for just that: an emergency.  It isn’t designed to be a place of healing and wholeness.  Our staff have done so much with the limited budget we have, but we know there is so much more to do.

This year on May 3, Give DeKalb County is hosting the 5th annual community fundraiser for DeKalb nonprofits.  Please consider visiting www.givedekalbcounty.org on May 3 and make a life-saving donation.  Your donations ensure survivors continue to have access to emergency shelter, counseling, and advocacy, but also give us the flexibility to invest in projects to improve the emergency care we provide and ensure every survivor is given every chance to not only survive, but thrive.

We Will Not Be Silent

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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. – Martin Luther King Jr.

Growing up, MLK day was one of my favorite holidays. In school, we spent the days surrounding the holiday learning about King’s sacrifices and together we were able to reflect on the world then compared to now. It was always hard for me to comprehend how much hate there was – it almost seemed unbelievable.

As I’ve grown up, I’ve unfortunately learned that in many ways, we still live in the world that sought to silence Martin Luther King, Jr.  We live in a world too often filled with violence and hatred and injustice. But like Dr. King, we can’t give up.  We cannot stay silent in the face of injustice.

As we celebrate Martin Luther King Day, think about the injustices in our world.  As King did, let’s speak up. Let’s talk about the things that matter to us and educate our friends, family and neighbors. For us, we will speak up and will never stop speaking up about domestic and sexual violence. Stand with us and stand for justice everywhere by speaking up about the violence you see and even the violence you don’t see all around you.

One day, I hope our children live in a world free from domestic and sexual violence. One day, I hope their minds can’t comprehend the abuse, hate, and injustice we’re all too conscious of. Until that day, learn how you can help or get help. Give love, get love, live the love like Martin Luther King, Jr.

Give us a call: 815.756.5228.

I Don’t Need Counseling!

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Many people are hesitant to meet with a counselor because they don’t really know what counseling is.  We know going to counseling or being in therapy can seem scary or negative.  It may feel like something is wrong with you.  In truth, the opposite is true!  Reaching out for help can be one of the hardest, bravest, and most healing things you can do. A counselor isn’t going to shame you, judge you, or bully you into changing.  They are your support system; someone you have in your corner to help you process, understand yourself, and start healing.

If you’ve ever wondered if counseling is right for you, read on.  This description is meant to explain what counseling is and isn’t and to outline what clients can expect when meeting with a Safe Passage counselor.

Most counseling appointments are made through our 24-hour hotline.  Hotline staff will ask whether you would like domestic violence or sexual assault counseling.  If you need to talk about your situation with the hotline worker when you call, you can do that and they will listen, validate, and guide you in the right direction.  You will then be scheduled with the appropriate counselor for an intake appointment.  At this appointment, you will be greeted by your counselor in the lobby.  The counselor will introduce themselves and walk you to their office.  Once there, the counselor will allow you to share what brought you into counseling.  You are allowed to go at your own pace and the counselor will never pressure you to discuss or share anything you are uncomfortable with.  The counselors at Safe Passage are committed to being client-centered and trauma-informed which means that you, as the client, get to direct the course of counseling.  At some point during the first session you will be asked to complete some intake paperwork.  Again, you don’t have to share anything you are uncomfortable sharing.

It is up to you how long you stay in counseling and even if you want to return after the intake.  The initial process of seeking help can be overwhelming and Safe Passage staff recognize that.  If you don’t feel ready, we will still be here when you are.

All sessions with your counselor will be collaborative.  Your counselor recognizes that you are the expert on your own life and they are there to guide and support you on your journey.  After a few initial sessions you and your counselor will begin developing specific counseling goals.  As sessions continue, your counselor will help you to move forward on your goals.

Safe Passage staff do not ask clients “what is wrong with you?”  Our staff ask “what happened to you?”  We know you are here because you have experienced some trauma and that you are seeking help because you are struggling with the aftereffects of that trauma.  Our counselors are trained to help clients recover from the trauma they have experienced, whether the trauma occurred recently or in the past.  People of all ages can access counseling at Safe Passage.  If you have any questions about counseling services, the hotline staff can answer those questions 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, at 815-756-5228.

We know it can be difficult or scary to reach out for help, but when you are ready, know that we will be here!

Healing

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I hurt my finger the other day.  I was hanging up a Christmas wreath and poked myself on some of the wire.  No blood, no mess…just minor injury to my pointer finger.  It continued to hurt throughout the day and as my mind went through a “Web-MD” style list of how I was undoubtedly going to die of this finger injury, I realized what I needed to do.

Put a band-aid on it.

For as long as I can remember, any wound felt better when I had a band-aid.  I didn’t have to be bleeding.  It didn’t have to be a visible cut.  I didn’t even have to remember how I got hurt in the first place.  I just knew if I felt bad, a band-aid made me feel better.

This was a source of frustration to my mother who saw our household budget for first-aid balloon as soon as I was old enough to reach the shelf with the box of bandages.  She would tell me over and over that I didn’t need a band-aid and if I wasn’t bleeding, a band-aid wouldn’t do any good.

In a way, she was right.  As a grown-up, logically, I know that a band-aid isn’t going to fix all my problems.  But at the same time, it always made me feel better.  My parents may not have been able to see how I was hurting, I may not have always known myself.  But I knew, and I was never wrong, that in some small way that band-aid on my sore finger or scraped knee or bruised elbow made me feel better.

If there is one person I am an expert on, it is myself.  I know when I’m hurting and I usually know what will make me feel better.  Sometimes it’s a relaxing evening with a good friend, sometimes it’s talking to a professional about my life and my past, and sometimes it’s a band-aid.

I’m guessing you’re an expert on yourself as well.  If you dig down deep, I bet you know a few of your own “band-aids”, the tips and tricks that lighten the load and help you feel better for a few moments.  Don’t forget to take the time to take care of yourself.  Take a night off when you can.  Spend a few moments meditating and centering as your day begins.  Reach out for help when it feels like too much on your own.

If you need a band-aid for an old wound that has scabbed over or a new hurt that is still bleeding, reach out.  There is help for you and there are people who will listen.  We’re one of them and we are available 24-hours a day at 815.756.5228.  Your pain matters and so does your healing.

Thankful

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We are thankful for the survivors who’ve shared their stories and bravely spoke up to say “#MeToo.”

We are thankful for the survivors who tell only those who help them to feel safe and whole, who remind themselves that a silent “me too” is just as powerful.

We are thankful for survivors who heard #MeToo and reached out for help and healing.

We are thankful for legislators, advocates, donors, and all who work to end intimate partner violence around the world.

We are thankful for our women and femmes who speak up boldly about their right to an equal and safe place in this world.

We are thankful for men who speak out about their own experiences, who reshape the narrative about assault and who call for their brothers to do and be better.

We are thankful for people of color and especially for women of color who fight intimate partner violence in a field that has been and continues to be all too unwelcoming of the anti-racist work that needs to be done.

We are thankful for trans men and women and gender-nonconforming folks and all in the LGBTQIA community who push our movement to be more inclusive and to fight for the rights of all.

We are thankful for a chance to work for a better future.  We are thankful that we know that future is coming.  We are thankful that each day we get the chance to continue the fight on behalf of all survivors.

We are thankful for YOU.

Survivor 1

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4 years ago today, I was roofied by a bartender [at a bar]. I don’t think I’ve spoken publicly about it since regaining full consciousness a few days later, when I posted a Facebook status alerting my friends to be cautious in our relatively safe town.

I think a reason that I’ve been mum about it for years is because of the way I was treated and perceived in the aftermath: when I finally made it to the hospital the next morning, the doctor asked me 3 different times if I was SURE I didn’t just have “too much to drink”, told me he didn’t need to inspect the wound on my head because it “wasn’t anything serious”(it was), finally tested my blood and urine multiple hours later, and told me that he was “surprised” when my results came back positive. While talking with an old co-worker and friend from a Bible camp, he told me I should remove my Facebook status because it would give me a “bad image” to the campers I’d worked with. When I was finally talked into filing a police report, the officer asked if I really wanted to “waste my time”, and that he would try to “make time to look into it” and “get back to me” (I never heard from him again)

I can remember verbatim what was said to me, because each interaction left me feeling ashamed, burdensome, and like what happened was my fault. At the age of 23, I went out with my friends on the weekend and had one drink that I kept with me the entire time, but somehow this reflected poorly on me. A friend literally saved my life that night. A day later, I began slurring my speech and not being able to focus my eyesight. I learned that I had bruised my occipital lobes, damaged parts of my brain that control speech and memory, had gravel imbedded into my skull, and suffered a severe concussion. I was in speech therapy for over 6 months, went to OT everyday to correct my vision, and didn’t gain back my short term memory for over a year.

But the time to keep mum is not now. Our world is so broken that even “safe” places aren’t immune: a church, a school, a marathon, walking down the street in broad daylight, a movie theater, a friend’s apartment, a regular weekend at a regular gathering place to enjoy a gin and tonic with friends. Importantly, be SAFE. Be aware of your surroundings, where your drink is, drink responsibly, and ALWAYS have at least one friend with you who can pinpoint if something is not right, and get you help. But maybe even more importantly: DO NOT FEEL SHAME. Don’t feel guilt. Advocate; for yourself, and for others. Take action when needed, and don’t be afraid to seek help. And do not believe anyone who looks at you negatively because of the disgusting actions of someone else. You have had your privacy invaded, and you have been assaulted. Your trust has been broken and it’ll take a long time for you to not live in fear and be cautious of everyone. But you are not at fault, and you deserve access to the best, quickest treatment without any form of judgement. If you’d like to talk about this specific topic or assault in general, or need a safe space to process, please don’t be afraid to reach out, and I am always here. No woman or man should have to journey through that alone. Take care of yourselves, and take care of each other.

A message from Safe Passage:  We are so grateful to each survivor who shares their stories and reminds us all that we are not alone, that we don’t need to be ashamed, and that we have the power to build a better and safer world each day.  If you have been the victim of domestic and sexual violence, help is available 24/7 at 815.756.5228.