Will You Accept This Rant? March 2

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Hello and welcome to all our ranters, readers, and people who just weren’t getting enough yelling from the Democratic debates!

Welcome to the Women Tell All recap! This episode is a chance for the women of the season to share their side of the story, explain themselves, and question the lead.  It can be illuminating and interesting as heck!  Last night, however, it was mostly just exhausting. But if you love people screaming over one another and a breakdown in basic civility, read on!

Women Tell All Abc GIF by The Bachelor
All right, let’s dive in.

Like always,

We’re working to examine and call out our culture of relationships that we see under a microscope in the petri dish that is Bachelor Nation.  Check out our weekly Facebook Live video (clink this link!) to hear all our thoughts and let us know what you’re thinking about this week! Don’t forget, you can always follow along with us on Twitter too! (@Safe_PassageDV)

Unlike most WTA episodes, we started with the rose ceremony that wrapped up Fantasy Suite week.  Peter gave the first rose to Hannah Ann and then the second to Madi. Two things from this…Peter CLEARLY is so into Madi and so worried about if she’ll stick around to be his final choice.  It was so uncomfortable for Hannah Ann (and all of us watching from the comfort of our sofas) to see how obviously in love with Madi he is.  It almost felt heartless or at least clueless for him to so obviously be ignoring Hannah Ann’s presence during these moments with Madi.

Second thing…Victoria F went home!  A lot of people were celebrating last night and with good reason. We genuinely hope that she has learned from this experience, can look back on her actions and attitudes, and grow into healthier relationships in the future.  She’s got some HEAVY baggage to unpack, but if there is one thing we know, it is that people can change. No one is born abusive.  No one is inherently bad.  We are all taught healthier or less healthy ways of navigating the world. I hope this experience taught Victoria to take some responsibility and work on herself before she jumps into her next jOuRNeY to fInd LOve.

Awkward Season 24 GIF by The Bachelor
I’m sure we’ll see you in Paradise, Victoria.

As we moved into the actual Women Tell All portion of the evening, there were two HUGE themes that landed for us: accountability and growth (or the lack thereof) and bullying. We’re going to talk about both so STRAP IN!

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We’ll miss these airplane puns next season.

No one came out of this season smelling like a rose.  Even Madison, a long-time favorite, is being dragged in the press by Chris Harrison for her “not-an-ultimatum”.  There were moments for all the girls that I’m sure they wish they could take back.  The difference we saw last night was that some of the girls seemed to be ready to apologize and move forward and some seemed ready to double-down.

Women Tell All Eye Roll GIF by The Bachelor
Same, Tammy.  Same.

Victoria P kicked off the gas-lighting, trying to reframe her experience with Alayah as a “weird” personality quirk, rather than an attempt to throw her competition under the bus. Tammy continued the trend, trying to rewrite Bachelor history.  She wasn’t rude or hurtful.  She was concerned.  She wasn’t spreading rumors; she was looking out for her housemates!  She didn’t call Kelsey an alcoholic; she said she had “alcoholic tendencies”.

This is a really problematic trend you often see in abusive behaviors.  Abusers will often rewrite history, even to the point of believing it themselves, to prop up their belief that they aren’t the bad one. They aren’t the bad guy.  Maybe even they are the VICTIM! When mentally abusive relationships go on long enough, you can almost start to feel like you are going crazy.  You don’t even know if you can trust yourself because you are getting SUCH mixed messages from a person you care about as they do everything they can to avoid accountability.

On the other end of the spectrum, you had people like Alayah, Kelsey, and even Victoria F, admitting that they screwed up. Alayah apologized to the other girls for “word vomiting” and speaking without thinking. Kelsey apologized for being WAY too over the top about ChampagneGate.

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One last time.

Even Peter acknowledged that he is getting a lot of criticism for how he handled his season and that he is taking that criticism as an opportunity to grow.  That is really what life is all about.  None of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We all were raised in environments and systems that set us up for failure in relationships.  We can’t expect perfection, but what we can expect from ourselves and our partners is accountability and growth.  Our responsibility is to know that no one, no matter how much they love us, is required to put up with abuse AND our responsibility is to listen when people call us out and take that as an opportunity to change and grow.

We saw a lot of growth from a lot of women (and a little from Peter) this season.  That is a step in the right direction.  That is an airplane at the right gate.  That is a flight that is on-time out of O’Hare.  Whatever the metaphor, you get it.

Embarrassed Chris Harrison GIF by The Bachelor

That brings us to the last thing we HAVE to address. Bachelor Nation is a mess, y’all.  There is so much racism, misogyny, and hatred in this community. We can’t let this be normalized.  Kudos to Chris and TPTB for opening up the conversation and thank you SO MUCH to Rachel for her courage in leading such a difficult and necessary conversation.

ALL (I think I can feel confident saying all.  Idk, maybe not Josh…he’s too scary) or nearly ALL members of Bachelor/Bachelorette/BIP/etc. casts get messages of hate.  They are called horrible names.  People attack their character.  People attack their children.  People send hateful messages to their family and friends, people who never signed up for this! It has to stop.  No matter what someone did on this show, they do not deserve to be bullied or harassed.  Just because it happens online does not make it any less scary.  Many Bachelor contestants have been harassed out of a job or have had concerns about their safety.  I don’t care how annoying Tammy was this season, she shouldn’t be harassed.  I don’t care if Victoria F slept with 100 married men, she shouldn’t be harassed.  I don’t care if Alayah is literally a snake who transfigured herself into the shape of a woman to sow chaos in the Bachelor Mansion, she shouldn’t be harassed.

And we HAVE to admit that happens on a way deeper level and a much more violent scale for people of color in Bachelor Nation.  It is racism, plain and simple. Just like our work, Bachelor Nation doesn’t exist in a bubble outside the racism that is built into the American system.  We don’t do our clients any favors by ignoring the fact that it is SO MUCH HARDER for survivors of color to access justice. We have to admit and examine the ways that race has intersected with violence and oppression throughout the entire history of the world.  This is not just about one type of violence.  This is not just about online bullying and harassment.  This is about admitting that the system is broken and that we all MUST do better.

Like the women on Peter’s season, we can bury our heads in the sand and double-down on pretending like everything is fine.  Or we can admit that we’ve all made mistakes and we can put in the work to grow, change, and be better.

If we do that, we’ll make a safer, healthier, and better world for all of us.

 

Ally

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A message from our Volunteer Coordinator, Pam Rosales:

Ally by Jaz Sufi

The movement to end sexual violence is filled with activists that are passionate in ending other forms of social injustice. In a culture where People of Color experience higher rates of sexual violence, racial equality is deeply interwoven in the movement. As the Volunteer Coordinator of Safe Passage, I meet passionate individuals who are dedicated in both fights. Being a Filipina Muslim American, I’m aware of just how pervasive racism lurks within this space.

This space, where survivors of color seek sanctuary and healing, is often times permeated with well-intended individuals claiming to be allies. Whose ‘wokeness’ is as performative as the ethnic artifacts hanging on the walls from their last mission trip. Jaz Sufi illustrates this performance in her poem:

“When I say ‘woke’, I mean she keeps the city up at night listen to how loud her allyship is, like it’s only worth the effort if everyone can hear its echo. She says ‘fireworks’ I say ‘gunshots’ she says I’m wrong, but you’ll never catch her in the kind of neighborhood where you learn to tell the difference…When I say ‘woke’, I mean she knows all the right words. Says ‘microaggression’ and tries to shrink me smaller. Says ‘white fragility’ and shatters into shrapnel. Blames the brown girl for all of her bruises as she carves the meat from my bones. But of course, the only damage here is what was done to her, by me, the terrorist.”

People of color who survive trauma from sexual assault are not free from the trauma of racism. They have to carry the heavy weight of both. If racial violence continues, sexual violence persists, and vice versa. People of color experience victim blaming with the added baggage of racism. When a person of color seeks support for their sexual assault, not only do they worry about whether or not they will be believed, but they have to worry about how their race affects their journey. Will the color of their skin affect whether or not they will receive proper medical care when they get a rape-kit done? If they share their story, will people blame their culture for being ‘oppressive’ and ‘backwards’? Will their citizenship be the focus of the conversation instead? This is the trauma that People of Color endure, often by the hands of “allies.”

Do impactful, genuine allies exist? Yes. This post is not about them. This post is about those who exploit the oppression of People of Color to wear as evidence for their activism. This post is about the “allies” who grab the microphone from us to speak for us, and then receive the accolades that should have been given to us. The thing about these allies, is that even though they might not see themselves as problematic, the people of color around them can spot them out easily. We see you, and we are not fooled.

While reading books like White Fragility is a start, it is not enough. There’s no simple answer to this complexity. I wish I can say that the answer is to travel, to have more People of Color in your inner-circle, to educate yourself on issues of racism, to learn more about our peoples’ history and culture – but I have seen “allies” partake in all of those things and still get it wrong. Instead, their knowledge of our culture and experience is weaponized against us through the form of tokenization, gaslighting and white saviorism. We do not need you to free us. We do not need you to speak for us. We do not need you coming into our ancestral lands, wearing our traditional clothing, speaking our mother tongue, and then stealing our identities to make yourself look “worldly.” We need you to listen. We need you to start by believing when you are held accountable on your racial abuse. We need you to be silent when we speak.

So I ask this: if I asked the people of color in your life what type of ally you are, what would they say?